Bluffer's Guide to Art Galleries
A Bluffer’s Guide to Art Galleries
Brotherly Advice from Dean Christopher
We men are hunters by nature. It’s in our genes and it’s in our jeans. But since we rarely get all the hunting wisdom we need from tribal elders, I occasionally offer practical tips – gained by my own long and sometimes sad experience – for tracking women, food, trendy hangouts, cool stuff and other necessaries that real men are obliged to hunt.
Today’s hunt is for women who visit art galleries and museums. They are higher class than females at tractor pulls, trout fishing contests or lumberjack bars. They have more money and more teeth and fewer mis-spellings on their tee shirts. They are desirable partners. You can take them almost anywhere. One drawback: they’re harder to bluff, since art lovers tend to be fairly sophisticated. This means that your opening salvo must be somewhat loftier than “Hey, how’s about a shot and a beer before we hit the rack?”
If you are not as sophisticated as your prey, you have little choice but to use cunning to bag your quarry. You must be crafty enough to bluff the babe. These hints will help you convert a casual art gallery encounter into a memorable and pleasantly exhausting weekend at her place.
All good hunters must learn to distinguish good targets from bad ones.
Bad target: Woman with a huge cruel-looking man whom she regularly gropes intimately. Good target: Gorgeous lone woman strolling reflectively among the artworks, smiling wistfully to herself, jotting observations in a notebook from her Louis Vuitton overnight bag, in which you spot a bottle of iced Veuve Cliquot 1947, a velvet sack of clinking Krugerrands, and a dark silken see-through garment that warrants further investigation.
Strategy: Impress her quickly, devastatingly. Tactic: Reveal yourself as a sensitive, worldly, exciting man—the very embodiment of everything that draws her so irresistibly to art. These simple steps will instantly transform you into a piece of living art.
1. Women who like art are by definition impressed by culture. Show your cultural breadth with references to the arts, sciences and literature. NEVER EVER use a sports metaphor. Comparing a Tintoretto canvas to sunset at Mile High Stadium, or a swan-necked Modigliani portrait to a graceful pick-and-roll by the Chicago Bulls, will make her suddenly remember her mother’s 109° fever, or that she’s double-parked in a red zone and simply must go.
Fools bluff with Cliff’s Notes from Art History 101: predictable pap about brush technique, color, form, subject matter. They’re brushed off in nanoseconds. You plunge bravely beyond the obvious. Your target loves fancy words heavy with sophistication, so go straight for dazzling openers like “What gorgeous architectonic echoes—like Eero Saarinen’s best moments,” or “Slender and fluted as a Corinthian column, yet it still communicates a subtext of post modern neo-nonconstructionist depressionism, don’t you agree?”
If she asks you to elaborate, answer with something even more mysterious. Women love mystery. With an amused half-smile, explain “Why, I only meant that his structural functionalism—with that retro dollop of Kitsch for condiment— implies a motif so powerful that actually painting the subject was redundant!” or “Perhaps it’s clearer to describe this painting as ‘visual Mahler’…or simply that it projects the autumnal inner resonance of a late Browning sonnet.”
If you see that she likes abstract painting, you’re in luck. Say anything you want about abstract art, because nobody can ever prove anything about it—that’s the whole idea! Challenge her opinions. Attack boldly with “I admit his chilling sense of hyper-nonobjectivity, bundled with post-cybernetic angst, does have potential—but sadly it isn’t justified by that schwach color sense. Ultimately unsatisfying. Fey. Pure dairy.”
2. Women who like art also like sensitivity. Show that you’re moved by subtleties that other slug-sensed dullards never notice. “What interesting inner work! It’s the message he’s sending between the brush strokes that speaks to me.” Occasionally turn abruptly around as if stung by the canvas. (Weeping quietly to yourself is a delightful, but risky, option, recommended only for experienced bluffers.) Stand perfectly still. Gaze into the middle distance, at everything, at nothing, at the Universe Itself. When she asks what’s the matter, which she will, murmur “I’m…I’m not sure how to say this. But this painting revives feelings I thought I’d never ever have again,” or “Sorry. I was ambushed by the balance of color and structure. So painfully keen. Reminds me of the development section of one of my early string quartets—does that make any sense?”
3. Confident dismissals of artwork are impressive bluffs. Here your pithy comments must seem irrefutable, rendering further discussion irrelevant.
Effective one and two-word dismissals are: Derivative. Heavy-handed.
Non-essential. Overly percussive. Treacly. Embarrassing. Fraudulent emotion. Counterfeit undercurrents. Wearisome. If pressed for explanation, say loftily, “Well. I find this work aimed more at the limbic system than at the cerebrum; perhaps it’s best appreciated on the endocrine level.”
4. Combine commentary with action: women love men of action. No gentleman damages artwork, but he may express distaste or amusement. Do the unexpected: burst out laughing at the most morose, depressing painting there (e.g., babies being immolated, shriveled widows starving in a blizzard, etc.). Address the gallery at large, booming out, “Can’t anyone here see the element of parody in this hilarious work?” This will reveal you as (a) capable of seeing beyond the obvious and (b) courageous enough to take an artistic stand in public. The hunt is nearly over. You’re practically tying her to your fender.
Copyright © 2008 Dean Christopher