YOU ARE WHAT YOU JOIN
Commentary by Dean Christopher
We humans are remarkable animals. We think, dream, love, and build; we distinguish among objects and abstractions. We are the naked ape; or at least the badly dressed ape.
We can speak more or less clearly; plan for the future; use charge cards; and visit crowded national parks in RVs brimming with recently-minted humans with strawberry jam on their faces, loud rock music in their earphones and backwards baseball caps on their heads.
One of the enduring, endearing traits of homo sapiens is our propensity for highly specialized enthusiasms – hobbies or passions or peculiar interests that unite us in groups small or large.
Intrigued by this typically human quirk, several years ago I paged through the Encyclopedia of Associations. There I discovered, among many thousands listed, about 100 or so which I deemed unusual enough to be worthy of further investigation. So I wrote and asked them to tell me about themselves.
I never heard back from the Confederate Air Force, the Deciduous Tree Fruit Disease Workers or The Gorilla Foundation. But many others did respond, and here are some honest-to-goodness quotes – mis-spellings, weird punctuation and all – harvested verbatim from their replies:
1. Friends of the Tango. [sic] “…yourlet 2/1 is unsigned Please send us a copy duly signed and we will answer all your questions. Also send us free of charge a copy of your magazine Thank you” (NOTE: The Director has been trying since 1984 to get New York City to erect a public statue of Carlos Gardel, the great Argentine tango star who died in a plane crash back in the ‘30’s.)
2. Marx Brothers Study Unit: Most Complete Marx Bros. Research Facility On This Planet. [From their newsletter] “We realized from the start that our group had a lot to share with the rest of the planet….A self-appointed moderator (i.e., a dictator) served as clearinghouse for information….In theory the magazine is published semi-annually, but because of the informal nature and volunteer staff, deadlines are nonexistant and issues are predictably late.” [From their magazine Freedonia Gazette, named after the mythical country where Groucho reigned in Duck Soup] “The entire contents of this issue are copyrighted….We’ve been filing copyright registrations for 11 years and we’d like to be able to sue someone and make it worth our while.”
3. Cast Iron Seat Collectors’ Association. [From their brochure] “The seat club was formed in 1973, by a few people that had a few seats…The first book on cast iron seats was written by Donald Sites of Grinnell, Kansas. He wrote three books on cast seats, each one was bigger than the one before, because of more seats that had been found….The club meets once a year in the summer in conjunction with a threshing show…[The club] isn’t only for seat collectors. We have many members that collect cast iron corn planter lids, tool boxes and covers. We have members that collect windmill weights and drill box ends and tools of all kinds.”
4. The Elvish Linguistic Fellowship. “The ELF publishes two journals: Vinyar Tengwar (which in Quenya, one of the several languages invented by Tolkien, means “News Letters”)…and Parma Eldalamberon (“Book of Elven-Tongues”), an annual…Our main function as a society involves writing articles and letters for the above two publications…Various members of the ELF…are also working on what we feel will be the definitive descriptive grammar of Tolkien’s languages…”
5. Hispanic Energy Forum. [From a FAX dated 2/29/92] “The Hispanic Energy Forum is DEFUNCT! No longer exists. Thx, LT.”
6. American Quilt Study Group. “AQSG was founded in 1980…and has been bequeathed [an] extensive library of quilt and textile publications. To recruit new members, we distribute our flyer at various quilt events, seminars, shops, and guilds…[papers] are later compiled into our annual pubication, Uncoverings….We also publish a quarterly newsletter, Blanket Statements….Please send us a copy of your write-up for approval before publication.”
7. Vampire Information Exchange. “Please excuse the delay in getting back to you, but I have been quite busy here of late.”
8. A California-based high IQ organization that prefers not to be named. [From a greeting-less letter which I here quote in full] “Re: Enthusiast organizations. We are a society of intellectually gifted persons, sort of a ‘Mensa’s Mensa.’ Most know they belong before they even hear of us; we do not want publicity: it is distracting. Very truly yours, [Signature].”
9. American Bamboo Society. “Also enclosed is a source list describing available species and where they may be purchased….We do not aggressively solicit members. Rather people infected with a curious affinity for bamboo seem to find us.”
10. American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association. “We have shows every other month, displays several times a year, and an annual picnic/bbq for the members…” [From their brochure] “Our membership cuts across all ages, occupations and sexes, bringing together people who truly enjoy each others’ rats and mice….We were privileged to have the Secretary of the Swedish Rat Society here to judge the pet rat class at one of our shows.”
11. Friends Of Terra Cotta. “We emphasize the value of and challenges associated with the preservation of terra cotta. The organization provides information and resources for those seeking assistance in understanding terra cotta buildings…”
12. Flat Earth Society International. [Sic from letter] “You folks must not keep up with events and things too well…Have been on front page of Examnior, many articles in La Times, front page Valley News in most newspapers of USA Newsweek, TV News, REAL PEOPLE et c etc known nationwide and even worldwide. Strange, you dident know anythinaboutit!”
13. The Antique Stove Association. “In the words of the constitution, our purpose is ‘to form a bond between people interested in antique stoves and related items, and to support their interest in any reasonable way…’ However, these benefits are for members only….we do not extend the benefits of membership to non-members….Parts rescue and parts identification are two subjects of special concern…”
14. Emil Verban Memorial Society. “We are the Chicago Cubs fan club of Washington, D.C. [Our purpose is] to root for the Cubs. [Meetings?] None. A lunch is held every two years. [From their newsletter] …mark your calendars for…the Society’s 7th Biennial Luncheon….Customarily, the Society hosts former Cubs stars…during the action-filled, two-hour luncheons. So reserve the date now.”
15. Exotic Dancers’ League Of North America. [From a letter written on a manual typewriter that had no “E,” which was in each case handwritten in red ball point pen: ] “We have 613 members, some are active, most are distant, and can not always attend the meeting, that are held four times a year…We provide the T.V. shows with material on “Nostalgia” information….We furnished much of the information for the motion picture “BLAZ” also the up and coming movie “RUBY””…Farraha Fawasett, is makeing the life story of another one of our members Candy Barr, we will be very concerened how Miss Fawassett portrays Miss Barr….The motion picture star “Cher” is playing Gypsy, in a new movie…and I will invite them to visit Exotic World….Please feel free to visit anytime, thanking you.”
16. Circus Fans’ Association Of America. [From their brochure] “Do you get a kick out of clowns and elephants and finely groomed horses? So do we….Do you thrill to the sound of a calliope or a brassy galop as straining steeds race around the hippodrome track?…Does your pulse quicken at the very names and phrases of circusdom…? …We’ve pictured on our cover first lady Barbara Bush holding up a White House puppy so it can touch noses with a clown, all in the interest of promoting reading among young people.”
17. The Fiber Society. [From their brochure] “Membership is by nomination only and requires evidence of significant contributions and commitment to the field of fiber science. The annual cost of membership is kept nominal.”
Well! It’s taken me most of the morning to sift through all this material, and today’s mail should arrive any second. I’m hoping for more replies from great enthusiast organizations such as the following, which I swear I did not make up:
The Melvil Dui Marching & Chowder Society; Save Our Barns Committee; American Toy Goat Association; Intelligent Buildings Institute; Mexican Epigraphic Society; Whirly Girls; International Barbed Wire Collectors’ Association; National Clogging & Hoedown Council; American Collectors of Infant Feeders; Library Cat Society; Accordion Federation of America; Association for Gravestone Studies; International Chinese Snuff Bottle Society; Classical Bicycle & Whizzer Club of America; Occupied Japan Club; and Sons and Daughters of the Soddies.
If you hear from them before I do, please forward any useful info to me as quickly as possible. We are here to learn from each other.
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Copyright © 2009 by Dean Christopher