Quaker Commandos in Action !
QUAKER SUICIDE SQUADS DEMOLISH AL QAEDA STRONGHOLDS
Battlefield Reportage by Dean Christopher
In a shocking series of surprise attacks, platoons of suicide commandos from a previously unknown group called The International Amish Peace Offensive have infiltrated Al Qaeda and Taliban positions throughout the Middle East. Sowing death and destruction among battle-hardened Islamic terror cells, the black-hatted, buckle-booted warriors have detonated suspender-bombs inside fundamentalist strongholds, killing themselves along with hundreds – possibly thousands – of enemy fighters.
Their dark beards and unfashionable, colorless clothing apparently made it easy for them to blend in among their targets – unlike expensively trained Western special forces, who stick out like sore thumbs anywhere east of Weehawken, NJ or west of Santa Monica, CA.
The extent of the damage wrought by these Amish martyrs is still being analyzed by astonished U.S. and Allied intelligence services, who admit to their surprise at this sudden – and impressive – new addition to the military equation. The Society of Friends, universally considered a pacifist organization, has apparently long maintained a secret military capability.
“Peace is fine, ja, ja, ja. But enough, already. Verily, it was time to act,” said
Yoder “Yoda” Lamm, commander of the ultra-militant John Woolman Brigade, a clandestine Quaker death squad. “God is love, but He also wreaketh His vengeance,” he explained in his secret command silo somewhere between Ephrata and Reamstown, PA.
What about the centuries-old Quaker commitment to non-violence; to turning the other cheek? Was that a ruse designed to lull the world into overlooking Amish toughness? After all, these are rugged folk, accustomed to life unadorned by electricity, plumbing or e-mail; sinewy men able to raise a barn in a single afternoon. “Ach, we are indeed a gentle folk. But that meaneth not that we are wusses. I guess we finally ran out of cheeks to turn.”
Lamm will not elaborate on the recent assault. “We never comment on security matters. Military prattle availeth us not,” he continued, thoughtfully twirling and un-twirling his black beard. “Yea, better to be thought gentle as the dove than deadly as the serpent.”
He poured us a second lemonade.
When asked about his people’s traditional rejection of modern technology, the Commander offered no details on the ordnance used in the attacks. At our canny suggestion that nobody knows more than the Amish about cow manure and other barnyard explosives, he just puffed away on his corncob pipe, a silent twinkle in his bright blue eyes.
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